By The Way, Jamie.

Happy Birthday To You.

i Won't Ever Forget How You Helped me
Although It's Pretty Clear You Have Forgotten Me.

I Noticed You Deleted Everything. I Noticed Long Ago.

I've Moved On, But Won't Forget.
And Just So You Know, All Those Posts You Thought Were About You, Were'nt About You. I Haven't Posted About You Since Those...Odd First Posts.

As My Last Post, I Thank You For Everything.
But Hate You For Not Giving Me That Closing Word I Need To Turn My Mind Off.
A simple "Tara, I Can't Get over Such-And-Such And Think You're A Bit WordGoesHere, So This Is Goodbye. rahrahRah."

Whatever.
I Wish y.ou The Best.
Bye.
And I Guess A "Fuck You" Seems To Be On My Mind Too.

my eyes are gluing shut.

i cant get you off my mind and its shitting me.

Im afraid of being cliche. Afraid of doing what others do all the time. Afraid of 'normal', but afraid of being an outcast. Afraid that what i say will just make me blend me into the crowd. If i had ignored irrational fears, maybe everything would be different. Maybe you would continue to be my friend rather than abandoning me for some chick that is so lovey-dovey it makes me want to vomit all over her 'gorgeous' face.

But we all know i overreact.

And you know, i adore this attention. Now i know what its like. And i just want it to be like that. Always.

caller 10 with the loudest cry

it hurts.
it really does.

it hurts more than you know.
in fact, you dont know at all.
if only id taken your advice
because then the situation would be me and you
rather than you and her.


for missing an act of fate.

youve come to find youre alone.

i didnt think id be this badly affected.
i mean, i saw this all coming.
hmm i guess ive just slipped into that cynical, depressive stage again.i wish someone would pull me out.
like, ill say i feel like shit. i tell people when im down. what do i get in return? "oh that sucks, im sorry" and a complete change of subject.
when youre the one saying you feel like shit
what do i do?
i listen to your every fucking word
even if you repeat the same shit
for two months straight.
all i ask for is a simple ear to listen for me if for only one night.

i should stop listening to your fucking complaints the way i do
i should stop caring. but i wont.

i should also stop being so fucking inconsiderate.

this feels a little odd.

in seventeen years, i have had practically no attention from guys.
in fact, i barely talk to guys at all.
within two weeks, i have three guys after me.

i was all ready to begin with typing out what is going through my mind
but honestly, i cant be bothered.
and besides, i cant think anyway.

ill just sort out the thoughts in my mind before i go to sleep
just as i always do.

we are another world away for the weekend.

things do change, all at once.
a lot of things have changed really. and thats both a good thing and a bad thing.

i dont know what im thinking right now. im not sure of anything right now. you know, its weird to be getting all this attention so suddenly.

theres a lot i want to say right now. i cant be bothered because it takes too long on my phone. remind me to tell you tomorrow.

i dont know. turning seventeen is like changing my whole world. its going to be completely different...

the reason im the one people avoid.

[16:23] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
i got demoted to numba 5... theres anotha chic thats 4 lmfao

[16:21] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
lol top friends dont really mean anything tho

[16:23] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
lins sent bak "oh well he dsnt knw wat hes missin out on" cos i sent her the same msg as u!

[16:24] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
i find it funny cos lins n me r like ah well hes found smone else n ur like it dsnt mean anythin its fucken hillarious lol

[16:24] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
hmm i have a different mindset

[16:25] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
lol everyone has dif mindsets lol

[16:26] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
while you and lins may think, for example, your position on someones top friends means something, i think wth, what does top friend on myspace prove?


of course everyone thinks differently.
but sometimes i wonder: am i telling people my thoughts, or what i want them to hear?
im trying to fit in with these two, lins and kirstie. the thing is, they ahve ormed such a tight bond, i dont see why i keep trying to fit in with them. they look at things differently to me. they have a different sense of humour. they talk differently. they dont match the way i think.
sometimes opposites attract. but this isnt opposites, this is just...differences.
i dont know why i keep trying to find my way to them, try and be their best friend, when its so blatenly obvious that im second best to them.
stef on the other hand...she is my best friend. why wont i be her best friend too? when kirstie and lindsey gave me shit for having a crush on matty, when i have made it very clear that i dont, stef was the one whispering in my ear
"dont listen to thim. i know you, i know you cant take critisism like this. i get shit like this all the time, i ignore it, i deal with it. but i know you, so dont take it to heart. dont listen. you and i know how it is, just dont worry."
she backs me up on the smallest of matters.
but why am i never there for her?

ill be your one and only, slow it down.

always second best. always.
i dont treat those who consider me number one how they deserve to be treated. and one by one, they are disappearing. im too busy fooling myself to notice how many people think of me as their life. then they are gone and its too late.
no matter how hard i try, ill always be their backup.
why wont i accept whats right infront of me?
i dont know how or what to think. i want to keep typing, but...

oh how my mood has changed.

no, you cant leave me.

you cant leave me like that.
you cant just disappear
leaving me with those words
not knowing the message behind them
or what youre going to do.

"Goodbye. I love you Tara. I really do."

YOU CANT DO THAT.
YOU CANT LEAVE ME LIKE THAT.
PLEASE TELL ME YOURE ALRIGHT.
PLEASE

please, please, let me know youre doing alright, chelsea.

i miss you too much.

how did i know...

i still cannot figure out how this world works.
the more i think about it, the more confused i become.
being me dosnt work, and im not about to pretend to be what im not.

last weekend was the best. you have no idea. the castle on friday night. dancing, jumping, yelling, singing, talking, laughing. i wasnt myself after friday. i was out of my shell, i was confident, i was enjoying every minute of it. i had the coourage to at like an idiot and enjoy myself. i had the courage to talk to people i had never met.
afterwards, phil gave me the best hug i had ever had. i then waited outside the castle to be picked up. i saw jimmy inside so called him to come ou. he gave me a hug. the guy he was with was bagging us, and suddenly i had a burst of wit that put him back inside his box. then phil came and saw us. i smiled, 'not you again'. before i knew it, all of PPS were there. we talked for a good 40 mins. it was awesome. "ill make you feel like youre 18 again"...lol.
saturday was the demo. got to the house at 1:30. i met matty. we went to the demo, we gave out hats, i bought m&ms for $8, lins won the demo, we went back to her house. me, lins, kirst, matty and the rest had drinks. "matty, stop flirting with tara and give me my 10 cents" - "look over there! its marc!". kirst was off her face ofcourse. they were surprised at how quickly i downed drinks, but im a "smart drinker". we all went to bed at 5am. i woke up at 7. kirst hadnt slept at all. me and kirst went into the lounge. we were all up by 10. i was shivering and kirst and matty just laughed as they were in warm blankets. then matty gave me his sleeping bag to share. we stayed there til 2. then it was time to go home.

i loved every minute of that weekend, from friday night til sunday arvo.

two months.

it all is going to come crashing down tonight.

i dont understand any of it.

umm.

you know that friend of yours, the one that came over friday?
i reckon that when she hits twenty-one, shes going to be fucking hot.
like, shes cute now, but when shes 21...damn
-laughs- stay away from my friends
no shes too young now, but yeah shes going to be real hot


probably the best compliment ive ever recieved from someone i dont know.

i scared you off, didnt i?

im sure there is some part in here that you should read.
so stay with me through the pointless bits
i know this is long...but it would make me feel better if you read it.

you know that feeling you get when you realise exactly what everyone is thinking about you?
or maybe youve never had that feeling. yet.
its not so bad when you know who its coming from - someone who is nothing but a piece of dirt anyway.
but its different when it comes from someone you love. family for example.
or when youre told in simple conversation.
no offense, thats a little weird
its more the context, and by far that isnt the worst. its just something that plays on my mind. just like when i was having another of my friday night expeditions. the night i had lost my voice.
youre too honest, this is reality, people get scared by the truth.
although i know the truth behnd that statement, it makes me wonder how i can be too honest, but never share whats on my mind at the same time.
i really wish that that conversation had happened on a different night. but at the same time, i know it creeps people out. i scare myself really.

i know that what i have done or said in the past has scared people off.
i want to thank you for sticking by me for almost one whole year, for ignoring the fact that (despite how much i hate it when people say this) ...i am different.
i know so many people say this. but i mean this on a different level - something is wrong with me.
firstly, lets get this off my mind. looking back on how the last year panned out, i finally see what i have been doing. what i didnt see at first, i see now, and all that jazz. i was..clingy wasnt i? or something of that description. and then that incident at the start of the year. when i made the worst move i possibly could have. if i was in your position...i would have been a little freaked out. or maybe thats an understatement.
i understand now that i come/came on too strong.
theres no excuse. because sometimes, i think i still continue to come off as that sort of person.
i hope you understand what i am trying to say. i know that none of this can be fixed now. maybe because we're both stubborn. maybe because im too scared to say anything. could be a number of reasons. all i want to offer you is my apologies. i know it doesnt fix anything. but i want you to know that ive finally realised the type of shit ive been doing throughout my life.

this is turning out a lot longer than i anticipated. but its going to go for a lot longer.
you may or may not know that i have been living ith my aunt for the past 10 months, give or take. in that time, my addiction to the net seems to have grown. its almost like there isnt a moment when i am not online. i realise what my aunt thinks of this and i try to get off the computer. but i simply cannot find anything else to keep me occupied so return.
my aunt has been so kind to let us live here for so long. but she doesnt always say what is on her mind to the right person. and then lashes out.
sometimes you just let her run amok, its disgusting.
today when i was doing my homework, and my mum came downstairs, there was a little fight between the two on how to raise kids.
i would never let my kids stay on the computer from 9am til 2am, for three whole weeks. everyday.
but you have to think of it from a teenagers point of view. they despise you if you tell them to get off the computer for example just to be sitting and watching tv anyway.
yes but so long everyday, its horrible, how could you let them do that?

look, its hard to recount the conversation that went on today. but im not going to lie - it really did get to me. knowing that all people think when they hear the name tara is "shes on the computer". it effects me like you dont know. just a computer right? it goes futher than that.

today i was on the phone with my mothers boyfriend, john. he explained to me how he and mum had been talking about getting me a new phone (if you hadnt heard, i had an accident and my current phone doesnt work anymore). what he said made my eyes swell.
youve done so much for your mother and me
and same things of the like. i began to think about what i have done.
how could i have helped them? yeah i babysit bella. thats no drama. i lent my mum my phone? so what, big deal. what is so great about me, that i deserve so much recognition? i dont mean that in an "i hate myself" kind of way. i mean, my mum does everything for me. i dont want to explain the hardships shes going through at the moment that i shouldnt even know about (and she doesnt think i know about). i do things for her, small things. but at the same time im not the best either. and in "repayment" she lends me money for the shows i go to. if anything, i owe her not the otherway around. she needs the money more than i do. although yes, i want someone to get me a new phone, i moreso want my mum to keep the money for herself. i almost cried when i thought about that.
but im not crying anymore. ever since the "breakdown" i had, i havent cried. and i dot want to. i stop myself.

i planned to go to bed and hour and 20 mins ago. thats enough.

im pretty sure it killed you reading all that anyway :)
thanks.

and sorry.

excuse me while i go all typical and complain about shit.

i hate myself for this. i fall for people too easily. i latch onto the smallest of things. you know, you were the first guy i could talk to and who made me smile and laugh since aaron. you were the first guy who would actually take the time to say hello to me. you treated me as an actual friend. you complimented me. i discovered that you can write and string words together whit such emotion. and you know what, it was you who made me as happy as i have been for the past month or so. you kickstarted this optimism ive been having, it all started from that first conversation you had with me.
but i should have seen that downside that was hiding all along. waiting to send me back deep into thought, where i conjour up ideas that make me so unhappy and miserable. even though you were the one who started the conversaions, you eventually got to a stage where you would ignore everything i say. without a word, you would pretend as if you couldnt hear me. not one reply, not one ounce of acknowledgement. thios happened a number of times but i ignored it on behalf of overthinking. then you went and proved that you were ignoring me.
but thats not only what im angry about. what makes you an asshole is not that you did it to me. but that you have done it to others. you talk to someone as often as you can. whether they reply or not. you act as if you and that person are the best of friends. but as soon as someone more interesting comes along, it is as if we never exsisted.
im pretty sure im making this out to be A LOT less worse than what it actually is.
im sick of your shit. and im sick of you making it out as if nothing has happened, as if you dont know what you are doing or what you have done.
all i want tonight is someone sitting next to me.
i know i say that a lot. i know everyone says that a lot.
when i read what you have to say, all i can think about is how good it would actually be to have someone. this is starting to get to me again. i hate it, you shouldnt have to be worrying about this at my age. but its all that consumes my mind. seeing everyone around me, hearing it all from others. i want to know what its like. i want to experience it for myself. i want to know what its like , i want to find out for myself.
i hate this. i hate talking about me. i hate complaining. but i do it all the time.
even though i could have it so much worse off.

all it did was make our memories a blur to me.

so there it is
right there
proof that i wasnt just thinking too much
that i wasnt taking things out of proportion.



'someday' cant come soon enough.

youre an asshole.

you know that, right?

and i borrow phrases from dusty faded record sleeves.

im in a talkative moos at the moment.

okay so i feel really left behind right now
for more reasons then one
and its beginning to get to me again.
ive surprised myself with how optimistic ive been lately
but ive been told that suring this week, its all going to wear off
damn hey?

i know it gets tiring how no matter where you turn, there is always someone complaining about how bad their life is.
and then the next person is saying
"you could have it worse *enter worse story here*"
so its almost as if the world is now fighting over who is more depressed
which is really quite stupid.
so i guess i dont really have that much to complain about.
yet i still do it because its the easy thing to do.

the world is collapsing right in front of us yet people still live in denial.
all i can see is a bleek, gloomy future
which i am actually quite scared of.
no, im not just talking about global warming or whatever else.
its just, i cant understand the human race.
at all.
humans are deceptive, they even fooled time into letting this world last longer than it should have
because really, humans are stupid creatures who destroyed this world a long time ago
im surprised it took this long for the world to start crumbling
and im really not looking forward to seeing how the future will pan out.

to get this off my mind
id think id like to point out the simple fact
that i absolutely hate it when people just forget im here.
start a conversation with me then decide they have better things to do
and just leave me as if the conversation was never started
not even sharing a goodbye or even recognising the fact that they will be ignoring me for the next few days.
its really getting on my nerves.
yet i chose not to say anything because im that type of person
i act as if nothing happens, and youll probably never even know that youre doing this to me.
but of course, i will get over it.

i think im going to go to bed with a million thoughts swirling in my mind
first time in a while really
and i will never ever be able to shake off this very real feeling i get
that you can all read my mind.

i have a serious case of paranoia,
for i truely believe there is always someone
looking through my mind
for i even think
"stop reading my mind"

that is a secret i could never share with anyone
for obvious reasons, really.

we say we have our best friends yet we stab them in the back.

im sorry.
im sorry i am the way i am
i act the way i do.
im sorry for all ive done.



but obviously im not sorry enough to change.

i wonder, wonder about the secrets, the lies.

you know, when this all started
i thought you were different from the rest.
you actually talked to me,
you made me laugh and smile
the way you acted was just not the same as the others.
i thought you couldnt write things like that
and its different because unlike the others
you keep it a secret.
i have respect. admiration. i see you in a different light.


strange how i get the feeling you found this.

' fuckoff '

how convienient.

typical.

ditched, again.
taking this out of porportion?
yes.
but it doesnt matter anymore.

see, im just like you
too many people are in this exact situation
its pretty stupid really.

hmm perhaps i should quit all this, before i jump to conclusions.

you know, if im right
i feel terribly sorry for you right now
must suck falling for the wrong person
telling them so
seeing them ignore you every day
but you keep insisting on trying to talk to them
ending the same way you always did.
then, your chance is gone and youre no further than you were before
seeing them with someone else
but putting on a happy face.
its not the fact that she doesnt love you back.
no, thats not why i feel sympathy.
its because of the way she treats you
yet you still consider her your best friend.

the world continues to confuse me.

do all you can to keep me blind.

okay, lets get this straight.
to the few people who i told about this blog
none of the recent blogs have been about you.
they have been about others
who treat me, pretty much, like crap.
even if it sounds like it is refering to you
it isnt.

the getaway plan, goodnight nurse and closure in moscow on saturday.
wow, i dont know if i could get much more excited.

these massive pauses seem somehow familiar.
i just find it a little crazy how the only time
people actually continue to have a conversation with me
is when they start the conversation tthemselves.
if i am the one who starts it
the conversation doesnt get past the 'how are you's.
therefore, i am no longer starting conversations.
in person. on the internet. anywhere.
i think im just getting over being forgotten,
ignored or whatever it is you all do to me.

but i guess im over reacting.
btw, im sick of you venting on me
and not giving a shit about everyone else around you.
grow a fucking brain
stop attention seeking.

before i end this, i want to apologise for some posts i made in the past.
i mean, wayy back in the past.
its called being naive, stupid and inexperienced.
and i over react/analise
im sure that didnt help.

10.

im very much over being ignored
even tho the people who i am being ignored by
arent thatimportant anyway.

friday night was definatly not what i expected
dad had to take me and needless to say
he wasnt happy.
he had a fight with cindy about it
which i cant understand, but anyway.
when i got there, i watched them perform
pretty awesome if i do say so myself.
afterwards, they disappeared pretty quickly
which pissed everyone off
because they promised to come talk to us
but whatever.

on a different end of all this, i realized
that the only reason i even like you in the first place
is not because of how you look or what you say
its because i dont talk to anyone else.
but if i ever did get the courage to meet new people
i dont even know if id give you a second glance.
which is quite cruel really.

whoops.

i regret the simplest&smallest things.

­

you can burn every book you want
and delete every word you write.
but you can never burn the truth
and never re write history.

better off wishing for the stars to kill the sun.

passendale. thesinkingsea. theblackandwhite. friends.
i think im quite angry im missing out on the best night
and replacing it with the worst performance ever
but ill get over it.

yet another friday lies ahead
one again i wish for it to be here
it better be good. im looking forward to it.
and i think im hoping a little too hard
so ill probably come home feeling crap
like last time.

once again, i bring this onto him
but i dont think any of this is a good idea
well then again, ive been thinking
and i reached the conclusion
that this is taking far too long.

im settling for your friendship
would you please stop ignoring that
but i guess i do the same thing in your situation
so i guess this is a wakeup call.

15.

just come see me already.

and stop tricking me into believing things that arent real.
im willing to hold onto anything stupid
so just stop it.

i gave in already.

its getting to a point where im just going to accept anything.

please let friday be a night to remember.
..well, moreso than the others.

dont be silly.

youve always been there for me.



you just have to beware of my over reactions.
they happen frequently.

also, its becoming more obvious that some people
seem to be only talking to me when it is
convienient to them.
fine, if you dont want to talk to me
and if youre too busy doing god knows what with you know who
throw this friendship away.

the only thing is
ill still be here waiting to forgive you.

thanks for destroyig that hope.

for once, i actually did believe that
it was me you were refering too
but of course it wasnt.
thats okay, it actually feels good to
be recognised for a change
tho, it doesnt seem right.
im not sure, ill keep thinking this through
as usual.

bring on the holidays.

not the best day ive had lately.

it makes me feel so loved
when people only decide to talk to me
when they have problems
have something to brag about
or no one else is listening to them
and then when theyre done
decide to leave
or completely ignore me.

youre all lucky that i am gutless.

oh, and id love it if someone taught me
something other than small talk.
it gets tiring -
"how are you..how was your day..what are you doing..*silence*"

it hurts in the worst way now that youre gone. its so wrong.

i dont know why i keep insisting on doing this.
all i know is without you, i wouldnt be this happy
but without you, i wouldnt be feeling like shit either.

thanks for making me see the light
but next time dont steal my heart as well.




haha i hate it when i do that.

i have to take you [out] sometime

'fuck girls confuse me. this girl likes me and she hasnt even met me'
now ive become cautious
thanks a lot.
well i would have been cautious anyway
thats who i am.
why dont you do something then. everythings not going to just come to you


icantgetyouoffmymind
thisisfrigganridiculous
andpleasetellmeimtheone
youvebeentalkingaboutallthistime
butidontknowifitshouldhappen.

this is just too weird.
damn nightfill.

"you gotta stop letting people walk all over you"

people make no sense whatsoever.

oh well, the hope crashed an burned like the rest
but to be honest i dont care.

"this is reality. people get scared by the truth."

you say you want the truth
when you get it,
you get angry or upset
'why did you tell me that for'
everyone lives happier in a world of lies.

you are amazing.
i dont know what else to say.
you talk, you make me smile, you make me laugh.
you tell me how it is,
but not in the whole "aww whats wrong" sort of way.
thanks for showing me the light.
you know, ive talked to heaps of people
about whats going on in my mind
my problems etc.
you dont know about any of those problems
but already you have given me the best advice ive recieved.
xo

id give anything to change.

but at the same time, i guess i wouldnt.

if only i could reach the place you both have reached.
i wish for too much that
i forget my reality is actually fine.

im doing this to myself.

blahblahblah

i wish it came naturally to me too.

i need to learn not to dwell.

whoops, slight miscalcualtion.

i thought monday would be shitshitshit
and friday would be simply amazing.

should have been the other way around.

monday, was brilliant.
we talked for hours
just about anything
and i liked it
because it was the first time in a lonnnng time
that i had had a 4 hour convo with no silence.
i bounced all night
smilled all night
and was so happy tuesday.

now, today.
today was shithouse.
perhaps because i was too busy comparing it to 'friday' night
but overall it was a disappointment
yeah, his voice was amazing
but i was stuck like a loner the rest of the night
holding back tears.
fucking...just...fuck.

everything is fucking shithouse.

but i got sinking sea badges. score.

you made me smile all night.

thankyou.

i fall three times as hard if its from nothing at all.

everything doesnt seem to be working.
tomorrow will be the day
and you know what?
i already know its going to be shitshitshit.
ive had a pretty crappy few months
so when exactly is this "it will get better" shit
going to come true?
meh, waiting is nothing new to me.
ill keep pushing through
even if i am already on my knees
dragging myself along the road.
see, i love quitting
im just too quiet to give up on all this.
im too scared of what others will think of me.
and if i didnt care about what others thought of me
i swear to you i would already be dead.

everything is swirling in my mind.

ugh.
i dont know where to start.

sometimes being 16 is tiring.
sometimes waiting is tiring.
sometimes you get so tired of it all
you just want to make it all stop.

perhaps "someday" will never come.

14 days.

when my heart catches up with my mind
ill probably leave them behind too.

im pretty selfish.

im sorry.

i played the guilt card.
little did i know it worked both ways.

im sorry.
i love you so much.
you are not a failure.
i know you are doing everything you can
i know youre trying your hardest
everyone makes mistakes
but that doesnt mean you are a failure.
youre the best mum i could ask for
and i love you so much.
im so sorry.

youre such a good, kind kid
you dont deserve this...

i hit tears everytime i hear that.
why cant everyone else see that im a good, kind kid??

may 30th.

i dont like how the future is never here.
and maybe, just maybe, the 30th will be better
and i can leave swimming in the thoughts like friday
where i couldnt think over my heart
just living in your smile...

i hate this
because
i miss you

its okay, i dont love you.
but sometimes its nice to know there
are still people you can call sweet.

to the few people who read this.

im not doing fine.
i am not okay.
and if i tell you otherwise
i am lying.
this is the worst ive felt.
and im beginning to wonder how much longer i can last.

why??

i just deleted the previous post titled "why??"

cos i realised youre just like the rest of them anyway.


"hello there, goodbye now"
well i guess that kinda fits with what you said.
coinsidence, or did you plan that?

youre just the chase, and im the chaser.

i dont know how much longer i can handle this.
everything is getting to me.
no matter how small or insignificant.
and do you know what else?
i cant tell anyone.
not because i have no one to tell
but because i get embarrassed about these things.
everything is only going to get worse
and im sick of people telling me otherwise.
"it gets better"
well there are people who are in their mid-30s still being told that
so what happens when it doesnt get better?
please, i need someone who wont have a problem
with sitting next to me
and listening to every thought on my mind...
why is it those people are either hard to come by
or by the time you find them
they have someone else to care for
and barely glance your way at all?
im sick of wondering.
im sick of waiting.
im sick of thinking.
im sick of all of this.
and i dont think i can handle no one knowing all this.
im sick of holding it all in.
stop tellingme your problems
yes, i do care
but i think id like someone to help ME for a change.
i cant put everyone first
when im stuck in times like this.

i know one day we will...

waiting is the worst.
time goes so fast when you look back
but its the looking forward that gets to me.

if only...

isnt he just the sweetest?

no.

im sick of all of this
every single part of it.
its all the same thing over and over again.
ive been told so many times over that it could be worse
but to be honest, that doesnt help me in the slightest.
so, im taking what i have for granted
that doesnt mean you need to keep rubbing that fact in my face everytime i feel like shit.
you know, over and over im being put through this.
something is done or said
and suddenly i latch onto you and never let go.
never.
brock.james.michael.christian.jacob.matty.geoff.shaun.
you might think you know what that means.
but you dont have the slightest idea.

so cliche, your eyes may not have been to dye for, but i wish i could hold onto that smile forever.
why did i have to look away?
why do i have to keep searching everything up?
im only making myself 9357209487502 times worse.
every time.
waiting is fucked.
obviously there is a reason i fail every time.

right now i need someone to talk to
and i have not a single person.
there used to always be someone.
but now theres not.
o one is here when i need them most.
in fact. most of the time no one is here to ever know what goes through my mind.

well my mind is a fucked up place
and its fucking messed up at the moment.

would you all stop fucking using me.

you know what?
im over asking if everyone is okay.
i try to be nice. i am nice.
every time.
and every time
i get problems dumped on me
before the person just disappears as if i was never there to begin with.

fuck you all.
im not asking anymore questions and
im not listening anymore.
being nice hasnt gotten me anywhere
so what the hell is the point of trying?

i give up.
being a cold heartless bitch starts now.

"youve got such a wonderful kind heart
youre going to get everything in the world"
but i dont want to wait anymore.

youre just another name, another song i oversang

the first time ive felt the urge to cry
without forcing it.
and its so weird because i know youre not great
but theres just something different there.
i just want this overthinking to stop.
just..why?

i wish i could capture that moment, and keep it forever.

please let me do it all over again.

im sick of my wishes always outweighing reality.
some day, ill find the balance between them both.
in the meantime, ill stay stuck in this false hope.

her nightmares and dreams dont come when she sleeps.

here i go again.
obsessed.
i want to change every single part of me.
i dont want this to happen anymore.
but theres still some of me
that just wants to drop everything to continue this.

ive lost all focus.
no more consentration.
i dont see any point in anything.
all i want to do
is nothing.
i want to obsess over my obsessions
and not have to be bothered about it.

but i will be.
i always will be.

three days ive spent in that prison.
that joyful, addicting prison.
i cant help myself.
take it away
tear it apart
please, i dont want to ignore anything for the pointless arguements,
the hope that i'll know you,
or the stab in the heart representing my disappointment and depression in realising theres always someone who has to do things a little better
and shove me further into the dark corner ive spent most of my life in.

i cant sleep.
or maybe i can if i actually could ear my fingers away.
theyre wandering over this keyboard as if they cannot be controlled.
in a similar way you cant tear yourself away from that cocaine youve been on since last year.
im giving myself insomnia.
and regretting every moment.

i litrally cannot stop myself.
i keep editing this post to stop myself lying in this bed.

im sorry for not talking to you all.
im too busy being a fuckwit.
stop me before i throw you away.
im doing it unintentionally
i dont want to
and i cant help it.

whats happening to me?

"what isnt it"

best four hours of my life.

let the overthinking begin.

im sick of overthinking.

i wish it was friday.

that is all.

this is why i freak out, because within seconds the moment is gone.

so just move your feet fast, don’t tie for the win
cross your fingers behind your back, hold it in
cause she changes her mind like she changes her heart,
youre a thousand years older before you have won,
this dance, this dance.

your heart, it beats, i see it through your words.

im overthinking what i can say.
its something that has been said
and never will pass these lips.
i sit here wishing for it to come.
its something far from what is.
sink back into reality.

this is when i begin to think too hard
it all comes crashing down.
if only to lay my head and rest near you
sweet dreams love, not a sound

rant.

i know a girl
who makes it her goal in life to brag to me
about how she happens to personally know one of my fave bands.
she'll talk to me jsut to tell me
"aww he came up to me and told me he doesnt see me
as a fangirl, he sees me as a friend"
okay, fine, whatever.
ill get over the fact you just want to make me jealous
and brag about it to the whole world.
but then when someone says
"aww youre so lucky. im jealous"
she goes off her head
"im not fucking lucky and you have no fucking reason to be jealous"
starts yelling at people
like, over the top. really over the top.
jeeze calm down woman. dont stress, we meant it as a compliment not in a "i wana kill you" sorta way.
THEN she goes and starts talking to a band i like
idk, she probably saw i was constintly talking to them and wanted in on the action
but i dont know that bit for a fact.
anyway. shes all like
"i ♥ YOU" - "im your apprentace" shit like that
over and over and over. they dont reply to her? shell keep on going on and on and on.
thats not the part that shits me though.

the thing is, im practically normal around these guys. i dont go screaming in their faces all teenie like. i have conversations with them that arent on a basis of "your so fucking hot" - "aww can we meet up, im gorgous and we can dance on the beach together" [ yes, i have evidence people say that. ]
wait for it:
i act like theyre human
woah, bet you didnt see that coming.
but then people like this girl come along
and straight away those guys in the band are all over her.
i dont get it. everyone complains about fangirls and teenies.
yet they are the ones that they all love.

well forgive me for acting like myself.

i shouldnt be worried about this sort of thing.
but if you had to face this girl, constintly trying to brag and shit like that
you would be fucking pissed off as well.

youre sweet honey, but i dont do sugar

i needed to tell the whole world
that you made my day.
really.
the one thing though
is in the process of overthinking,
imagining
and spreading that around...
...nothing will become of it.

anyway,
www.myspace.com/forourhero
i dont give a damn if you dont like their stuff.
theyre just really awesome guys.

if i could be bothered
id spend the next hour talking to/about you.
x

im so over this.

didnt take as long to figure it out this time.
barely got into the nitty-gritty
or however that goes.
ill get there one day.
but one day isnt what im after at the moment.
look how fast you moved on.
you didnt even bother to look back in my direction.

why do i even try to think it goes any other way.

and i havent even gotten into the detail.

its not a matter of if i get replaced but a matter of when...
i tried my best to fix the seams but the stitches just wouldn't hold.
my mind is in love with the past and scared of the future
and i guess that brings us back to the present...
a crash landing back to reality
tho i wish everything we have said happens
i have this funny feeling you just don't want it to...
my mind got stuck on you and everything else slipped away.

you know it all.
sometimes i wonder what the point of waiting is
when you know youre taking steps backwards.
its all pointless in the end.

he makes my heart melt.

he makes me want to cry.
he deserves so much more.
but he thinks he deserved to be thrown away like that.
its strange how things turn out this way.

and ill keep backing you up
dreaming and wishing
itll never actually get there
but i hope things work out for the better.

"couldnt have happened to a nicer guy"

this is why i wish i had a friend like you
to stand here beside me.
you just need a shoulder to cry on.

me knowing you.
the complete lack of reversal.

wow.

i never knew exactly how much looks can be decieving.

i think ive stumbled upon some of the sweetest guys in melbourne.

we all wish for one thing.

"i love you. i really do. xD lol."
why do i keep doing this to myself?
the guy is so deep and he is the sweetest thing ever.
if a guy can write like that, i dont give a fuck what he looks like
there i go again.
its not a copy and paste, but its what i wish was said.
its going to happen all over again.
youre my new jump
now im falling again
[ damn that was good ]
ill try not to scrape my knees on the way down
but you all know i do it delibratly
it starts like this.
and now you can be my excuse for obsession.
itll go beyond what it should
then ill come out looking a mess again.

you can do all the talking

i keep on falling
yet i havent moved from this spot
my feet have become the ground
my voice has since disappeared
my eyes are all that can be seen

ill keep on reading
if you consider it progress, all ive done
is create this hole in my heart.
thats youre only hint.

until the day comes when im granted one wish
ill keep wishing my wishes came true.

did i ever mean to be so obvious?

wow. surprisingly i felt like absolute shit after that.
and i discovered that i am a lot less shallow than people thought
like, when someone asks you "personality or looks"
everyone automatically says personality, even though majority of the time youre not going to walk up to some butt ugly person because apparently they are "nice".
what im saying is everyone has limits.
hmm. i cant figure out how to say the rest without sounding like a complete idiot, so ill leave it at that.
oooh i just realised how much i miss secrecy.
ideas for a new name would be handy.
and i dont think you realise how much i hate this particular person right now. not that shes a bad person, but being as shy as i am, people who are overly confident piss me off so much
only coz im jealous.
yeah im a pretty jealous person.

getting my two dance partners next month. fuck im scared.
im the girl they throw things at.
and im the girl who has to have two guys to dance with.
yeah. im lucky.
i reckon the yr 11 ball is going to suck majorly.

just a note

bah, damn americans -.-

umm, i know that everyone is well aware of a small crush i have
its one of those things that you cant help
and go away eventually
you know, not major.
like a celeb crush without the celeb bit
so therefore, every time i say "him" does not mean i am refering to this crush.

my point being yes, i have a crush on this guy
but
there is someone at school
and when i refer to "he"
im most likely talking about him.

basically: shaun j is a thing to forget, nothing major, nothing to bring up.

that hurt so bad.

fuck i hate you so much right now.
you proved everything ive ever thought.
im sorry i ever fucking tried to make conversation with you.


do you know what i would give for just a little more confidence.

well this was pointless.

why does this hurt so much.

its funny coz i read over these
and it takes me a good 5-10 mins
for me to figure out who the hell im talking about.
like, i type "he" and i could be refering to about...10 people
i say "she" amd its more like...20+ people.
confuddlement.

maybe i should be more clear with my posts?
nah.

i dont know why im typing this. i wanted to say why does this hurt so much but i thought that would be pointless so im just rambling now.
im tired and sick and want to sleep in but instead ill be at school.
wishing i could know what you said.
but you didnt say anything, did you?
thats why it hurts.

lets put an end to this.

i think youre too worried about it to notice i already have.

say it to my face.

new subject
well its been a while since we talked
because i thought i would try not to
irritate you as much as i think i do.
and i know the other girl will be making
conversation with you every chance she gets anyway.
im kinda jealous of her
but you made my day with that comment
even if you didnt read it all.
it annoys me how you havent been online now.
the only chance i have before schools back
but i think you must be at uni or something.
or maybe another festival.
whatever. all i know is that it would be
awesome to hear about your
"mid afternoon snacking activities"
again. bahaha.

wow. this post is..weird.
different to all the others.

maybe coz im glad to have you off my shoulders.

i should have seen it coming.

so im not the only one.
well i should have picked up on that
considering how obvious it was.
and i hate the way you went about it.

doesnt help that shes perfect.
well at least i live in the same country.

this is how i jynx everything.
oh well, i needed to say it.

i found the source of everything.

this.
all of it.
it all began here.

despite it all
if i could take it back
i would.
the problem is...
...you said without me, you wouldnt have made it.

so would i give you up for a shot at happiness?
i couldnt do it.

i ended my life to save yours.

"a plank of wood with a pencil nailed into it would be able to write that"
i didnt make this to be a good writer.
i dont say what i do to be a good writer.
it just...needs to be said.

and i take back what i said. hes gorgeous.

damn jealousy.

shes dangerous, make no mistake.

the worst thing about it
is knowing what will happen
in the future.



...nothing.

it all was meant for my eyes only.

as much as i wished it was for everyone to see
i now wishi had kept the secret.
i talk in such a way that
when i read back...its mysterious
to even me.

i cant believe these few days
have been spent with you on my mind.
when a thought shouldnt even pass
at all.
but i guess not much can be done.
ill just harbour the feelings
until someone else comes a long.
hopefully that wont be too far away...

...thankfully things have been
looking up this past week.
i wont list everything once again
and nothing is for certain
but im happy to actually have
these good thoughts running through my head.

and you know what else i discovered
these past few days?

i dont rely on you all the time anymore.
i found my own wings.
and its almost like i couldnt be happier.

not long now.

okay ive calmed down a bit now.
sometimes i probably shouldnt blog
when im in such moods as yesterday.
everything comes off a bit harsh.

but i guess it gets the message across.

right now
he is making things worse
unintentionally.
mainly im making it worse
by hunting every other thing down
besides what was said.

oh well.
ill be content on making myself feel worse.
in the meantime, ill keep on daydreaming.

cant wait to see you.

to whom it may concern

fuck you all.

drown tonights events with those pills. dont they look inviting?

im pretty much in love
with everything about you.

yeah ill look back at this and laugh.
so what?
but really...
youre pretty much amazing.

what you say involves actual brain use.
nothing like the other person
of the same name.
you have actual dignity
and pretty much the opposite of asshole.


what hurts is...
you ignore me.
just like everyone else.

tell me what i do so wrong
that makes me appear to be
so unappealing...

"its obvious were not friends anymore"

so i didnt reply to your bulletin
and that automatically means were not friends??
what if i DIDNT read the bulletin?

look, i know im not on msn. so-fucking-what?
when im on we dont say anything anyway.

youve changed.

and really, if you dont think i friends then prove it.
nothing is stopping you from talking to me first.

you know what ive come to realise.
every time you comment my posts
you avoid the topic.
you say lyrics
or tlk about someone else.
you never acknowledge it.
and im sick of it.

but i still love you.
stop acting as if i yelled i hate you.

do you know how muchi wish i could tell you?

"what about peter"

naww.


then i made a fucktard of myself.
do you know how much i wish you were my age?
and lived a tiny bit closer...
in general, im being a complete obsessive loser.
you dont care.

youre laughing right now.



one day itll all be over.

what weird timing. now its all because of you, isnt it?

i feel so horrible for doing it.
i regret it so much.
i know what i did was wrong.
i told you over and over again that im not as "awesome" as you think i am.
you dont know me.
you think you do.
how can you saw how much i mean to you if its things like this that you dont know about?
i know what i did was wrong.

im sorry.

long time no see.

i miss her.

feeling left behind.

i havent spoken to her in a while
although she told me she would be around
and now comes the time that we wont be able to talk at all.
its had for me to explain things...
...but let me put it like this
shes leaving me behind.
im happy that she is finally doing more constructive things with her time.
but i needed her to breathe.
and shes gone.

moving closer to home, we have a guy.
this guy once went insane when he had to spend mere hours away from me.
every night he would tell me how much he cared.
he would say those things he thought i wanted to hear.
and now, everything has just suddenly changed.
he doesnt speak to me.
he barely looks at me.
he doesnt even say hello.
all i get is "whats the answer to 6.g)?", and that wasnt even face to face.

then you have all those people i used to know.
the ones who live life happily, with all their friends, all their jokes, everything between.
and here i am.
i feel so...
i wont say the word.

love goes beyond this.

why does everything have to change?
dont get me wrong. some parts of me i wish to change.
but i miss all those 5am nights.
i miss laughing about the stupid things.
i miss the way you would make me cry, but not because you hurt me, because you helped me open up.
i miss how you trusted me with everything.
how you would say things without thinking of whether i would care or not.
now what replaces is ever long silences.
were never online anymore.
and when we are, we never talk.
i know youve moved on.
i dont want to believe that youve grown, and "gotten over" me.
i want everything back to how it was a few weeks ago, a few months ago.

theres two people that ive been talking about in here recently.
but i have failed to mention theres a third.
she always listens.
she always shares everything with me.
she makes me feel loved and wanted.
she cares. she asks. she knows when somethings wrong.
and i think ive decided to let her read these. maybe.

and if you are reading this... i can trust you not to tell anyone, right?

im left here for dead.

not only do i think im losing one of you
but the other has changed so much.
shes so different.
i could talk to her about everything and she would do the same.
we would reassure each other.
we would remind each other "you are the most amazing person in the world".
we gave each other advice.
we shared our troubles.
our lusts.
our joys.
we would have bad days and reassure each other everything will get better.

but what happens when she gets better and moves on?
i told you i couldnt live without you. and now youre fading away.

i never liked my memory.

"[her] own shyness, however, locked the words in [her] throat"

update.

i dont even know what to type.

how about i think im losing you?



"[s]he just prefered to keep to [her]self. what was wrong with that? [s]he couldnt change the way [s]he was"

im sorry i ever tried.

tonight you made me feel terrible without even trying. litrally.

now i can imagine...what you could do to me if you tried.
youre growing popularity has forced you to push me aside.

im sorry i ever tried.

i feel...

... replaced. forgotten. everything between.



"im going now, im too bored."
"oh... okay, ttyl xx"
"[ such-and-such ] just logged on"
"ah. i see"
*pause*
"aren't you going?"
"nah, im staying now"



ughh. forgive my lack of explaining. but this is just ridiculous.


... you set me up to leave me ...

blow it all away

why cant you try harder?
my mind is constintly thinking.
so is yours, i know, but you have other things to worry about.

everything i post is wrong

but i dont have the guts to delete a single thing.

put simply: pure jealousy

im getting tired of this.
cant you throw your lies at someone else.
you say you try so hard
but all im getting is a heap of laughing.
im not better. i know.
but i dont complain like you do.
i feel like im losing you.
but im the same boring person
i know youll realise sooner or later.
there are always people out there better than you
[ i know i should be proud, but ]
i hate always being second best to you.
i live in your shadow
but pretend everythings fine.
and i dont thin i could ever tell you otherwise.
ill never stop loving you
but one day youll stop loving me.

i dont think you realize...

you mean the world to me.
youre everything i wish i was.
i wish you were by my side right now.
i wish i could say just the right thing to let you know how much you mean to me. the right think to let you know how much talent you hold.
i am nothing when next to you.
youre the only person on this planet who knows the exact way to make me smile.
everytime, without fail.
youre the only person on this planet that i want to see on "those days"
when you shouldd feel like being alone.
youre words have me mesmorized
"she makes you want to end your beat
yell an echo through the street
so cold you ache on impact
she writes like headaches
go to sleep kid, no ones listening"
...i couldnt live without you.

how do you keep up with all your blogs, websites, fans and your life?

i wish i had someone like you.

you misinterpreted every single word i typed

"stop making out like your the only one whos going through this"

i know im not.
thats why i posted the fucking journal
to tell myself that im not.

will my words ever come out right

i get the hint.

if you didnt want to answer, you should have said so.
or just lied about it.
thats nothing new for you.

right now i wish there were people besides me who looked at this.

anyone else feel insignificant right now

i really need a shoulder to cry on.
goshest.
dont you wish you could enclose yourself in a box for a while
just to see if it makes you appreciate how small and dark a box is.
well i do.
if only the person who knew how boring i am was in my life.
now im just trying too hard.

oh how i missed the music to my ears. it reminds me of pain-killers and depressants.

i never feel tired until i wake up.
lack of sleep is so inviting.
im litrally addicted to the internet, and im not just being cute.
i cant tear myself away from it.
my proof?
i'm online from somewhere around 10am until 5am the next morning.
and its no longer by choice.
right now, i want to be outside, lying on the trampoline in the cold wind listening to some exclamation point Panic, some melbournian bands like kisschasey and the getawayplan or the tunes of the Cobra's.
i feel empty.
and you cant help me for 2 reasons - youre gone, and youre the reason i feel empty.
jeeze, i sound like an over dramatic attention seeker.
apologies.
then again, im talking to myself.

we bring ourselves down
and build ourselves up with disappointment
how fragile we are
so fragile we are we just dont show it
we'll shake up this town
and shoot down the stars for our enjoyment
so sexy we are
so sexy we are we just dont know it

i'll miss you.

oh god.
i feel replaced.
i feel terrible.
as soon as i realised where i was,
i got butterflied all through my body.
chills.
but not of a good sort.
butterflies that are tearing me open.
chills that make me feel like crying
or yelling at the top of my lungs.
so you keep me so high out of pity?
and despite everything we've been through
and despite the fact i know you love me
i cant help but feel rejected.
oh god.
why am i so unlikable?
why am i such a boring person?
why do i have absolutely no personality?
i know you say those reassuring words because you have to.
not because you want to.
i dont want you to deny it anymore.
just fucking tell me theres someone better.
because the backstabbing is tearing me apart.

x♥x

i want to be great and remembered

ughh, that world is everything i wish i was
i try to fit in. but im just so... odd
i mean, well, that world is for everyone.
but, i want to be able to string the words together like you.
like them.
and until i can find just the right way to put everything together
i will remain here, unknown.
i want to be like hat... i mean... im obsessed yeah, but im nothing like others.
dropping lyrics as they talk.
referencing to songs.
complete obsession in a non embarrassing way.
i cant describe how i feel about all this. no one has an idea about what's going on in my mind. all i know, is that i wish i was able to write.
i love to write. to type. to imagine. but my mind wasnt made to be doing anything like that. i dont know what i am meant to do in life. but i wish i could be like you. i wish i read every day, that i had a favourite poet and author, that i had an ability to write how i wish i could.
all that forms in my mind is envy.
jealousy.
Getting through today without doing anything rash or drastic or stupid took a ton of self restraint and effort on my part. I consider making it past this day a hard enough challenge for myself. Just keeping relatively sane is an accomplishment for today.
I'm in a funk and I can't get out right now. I hate when I get like this. I hate that I love this. I savor every emotion that comes with me being broken. It tell me I'm alive at least. It's twisted and wrong but I just have to wait until I'm over this. I don't make sense and my words come out backwards (I've got this lefty curse). I sink like a stone.
(She doesn't even notice when I cry. She tells me not to be grumpy when I get like this [she thinks I'm in miserable mood for some petty reason and scolds me for it, hah], to be happy I have a 4 day weekend. That isn't going to help me now.)
I want to get under peoples skin and work my way into their mind. I want to be great and remembered.
I've been having dreams and they blend with reality. I can't tell the difference anymore between fact and fiction except in real life you're no where near me. Honestly, I get so confused when I remember things that never ever happened to me. I don't where they came from.
it was called "the world has its shine (but i would drop it on a dime)" and yes i do realise that that is a cobra starship song. i mean, i only have a complete obsession with that band. anyway.
it spok to me and i want to read every other part of it. it may not speak to you. it may sound like rubbish. but theres something about it.
tryingtofindthewords
i wish i could write like you.
and so begins the time when i will allow myself to post more than one in a day.
wish my luck as i try to grow.

x♥x

someone like paul would be perfect

ugh, i want a day home alone
just one day
yeah, it would be as unconstructive as it is with everyone around
but just one day.
after watching a movie today [ yeah thats right, i actually left the comfort of this chair ] i suddenly feel as if my life is a movie.
i dont know, its a weird feeling, hard to explain.
but i just feel as if something is going to happen soon that will un-boreify my life [ yeah i know thats not a word ]
i realise just how addicted to the internet i am
and i really miss the 3am mornings talking to you
but i know youre having a good time.
if theres a computer nearby, i stress and all i do is let my mind think about the internet, but if i cant go on the net, and im somewhere away from the computer, i dont think about it at all.
well maybe a little
but yeah.
i never was good at explaining.

x♥x

i know i should forget but i cant

sometimes i have the feeling that shes avoiding me
you know, i complain about my friends a lot
but maybe its me who is the shitty friend.
i think you dont matter
i act as if you dont care
but i need to realise that just because youre ot everything that i pictured a friend like... it doesnt mean that youre not a bad friend.
i want someone exactly like your best friend.
the one that drops everything for you
even if they have a boy/girlfriend
the one who lends a shoulder for you to lean on
who shares their roof because youre sick of home
you know?
but for some reason, i cant have someone like that.
or maybe i can but im just to stubborn to admit im not as bad off as i think i am.
just because i want to fit in to everywhere i cant.
i have somewhere i belong, but i wont accept it.
my mind is in one place, but it wants to be somewhere else.
and its impossible to move.
why cant i just accept that im fine?

x♥x

go and believe if it turns you on

i just felt like typing and i dont know why
and i dont know what about.
well, just then, one thing came to mind.
i know that sooner or later im going to have to tell him that im over him.
but its not that easy for me
well i guess its not exactly easy for anyone who was in this situation.
i just wish i could take it all back
do everything over again
pretend it never happened.
but everyone wants to turn back the clock at sme stage in their life
so it's kinda pointless rambling on abou what should have happened.
i miss her. she wasnt online all day.
pfft, yeah, one day, big deal right?
i dont like spening a single hour without her.
even though we go through those 30 minute pauses.
even if we talk about nothing
or bag da shit outa ppl hoo tawk lyk dis
i mean, its pretty bad that i cant stand one day without her
but i care about her
i worry about her
i wonder what shes doing.
on other news, two guys with the same name seem to be on my mind a lot.
more news on that as the story unfolds

x♥x

only 4 letters apply to this situation. starts with F - U

its been close eough to one whole month since i last posted.
i have come to the conclusion that i am lazy.
there is so much i could be doing, so much i SHOULD be doing
but i have to settle for everything less of what is best for me.
i read over my other blogs. my first one made me feel sick.
i mean, i honestly felt all horrible inside. that type of sick.
there was so much doubt. i said i would shift her to number 2.
i could never do that. never.
up until extremely recently, i didnt believe that she cared for me the amount i care for her.
and now its been proved that i am in fact, a total fuckwit.
one day, she will probably read this and be filled with doubt that i actually care for her.
truth is, no matter what i say or do, no matter what happens, no matter where i am, despite pointless fights and despite the fact i didnt think about what i said...
i love her
forever&always&ever. nothing will change. and i will NEVER forget her. my plan is to always stay in contact. but i dont know what time will bring.
this is considerably long for a post. but i need to say everything.
how about the fact i dont like him anymore?
oh great, ive done it again.
he will return from his holiday thinking he is about to have a girlfriend
and then ill say "how was your holiday? by the way, im over you"
things arent looking up for the future.
so i will sit here, confessing my thoughts to no one.

x♥x