im sure there is some part in here that you should read.
so stay with me through the pointless bits
i know this is long...but it would make me feel better if you read it.
you know that feeling you get when you realise exactly what everyone is thinking about you?
or maybe youve never had that feeling. yet.
its not so bad when you know who its coming from - someone who is nothing but a piece of dirt anyway.
but its different when it comes from someone you love. family for example.
or when youre told in simple conversation.
no offense, thats a little weird
its more the context, and by far that isnt the worst. its just something that plays on my mind. just like when i was having another of my friday night expeditions. the night i had lost my voice.
youre too honest, this is reality, people get scared by the truth.
although i know the truth behnd that statement, it makes me wonder how i can be too honest, but never share whats on my mind at the same time.
i really wish that that conversation had happened on a different night. but at the same time, i know it creeps people out. i scare myself really.
i know that what i have done or said in the past has scared people off.
i want to thank you for sticking by me for almost one whole year, for ignoring the fact that (despite how much i hate it when people say this) ...i am different.
i know so many people say this. but i mean this on a different level - something is wrong with me.
firstly, lets get this off my mind. looking back on how the last year panned out, i finally see what i have been doing. what i didnt see at first, i see now, and all that jazz. i was..clingy wasnt i? or something of that description. and then that incident at the start of the year. when i made the worst move i possibly could have. if i was in your position...i would have been a little freaked out. or maybe thats an understatement.
i understand now that i come/came on too strong.
theres no excuse. because sometimes, i think i still continue to come off as that sort of person.
i hope you understand what i am trying to say. i know that none of this can be fixed now. maybe because we're both stubborn. maybe because im too scared to say anything. could be a number of reasons. all i want to offer you is my apologies. i know it doesnt fix anything. but i want you to know that ive finally realised the type of shit ive been doing throughout my life.
this is turning out a lot longer than i anticipated. but its going to go for a lot longer.
you may or may not know that i have been living ith my aunt for the past 10 months, give or take. in that time, my addiction to the net seems to have grown. its almost like there isnt a moment when i am not online. i realise what my aunt thinks of this and i try to get off the computer. but i simply cannot find anything else to keep me occupied so return.
my aunt has been so kind to let us live here for so long. but she doesnt always say what is on her mind to the right person. and then lashes out.
sometimes you just let her run amok, its disgusting.
today when i was doing my homework, and my mum came downstairs, there was a little fight between the two on how to raise kids.
i would never let my kids stay on the computer from 9am til 2am, for three whole weeks. everyday.
but you have to think of it from a teenagers point of view. they despise you if you tell them to get off the computer for example just to be sitting and watching tv anyway.
yes but so long everyday, its horrible, how could you let them do that?
look, its hard to recount the conversation that went on today. but im not going to lie - it really did get to me. knowing that all people think when they hear the name tara is "shes on the computer". it effects me like you dont know. just a computer right? it goes futher than that.
today i was on the phone with my mothers boyfriend, john. he explained to me how he and mum had been talking about getting me a new phone (if you hadnt heard, i had an accident and my current phone doesnt work anymore). what he said made my eyes swell.
youve done so much for your mother and me
and same things of the like. i began to think about what i have done.
how could i have helped them? yeah i babysit bella. thats no drama. i lent my mum my phone? so what, big deal. what is so great about me, that i deserve so much recognition? i dont mean that in an "i hate myself" kind of way. i mean, my mum does everything for me. i dont want to explain the hardships shes going through at the moment that i shouldnt even know about (and she doesnt think i know about). i do things for her, small things. but at the same time im not the best either. and in "repayment" she lends me money for the shows i go to. if anything, i owe her not the otherway around. she needs the money more than i do. although yes, i want someone to get me a new phone, i moreso want my mum to keep the money for herself. i almost cried when i thought about that.
but im not crying anymore. ever since the "breakdown" i had, i havent cried. and i dot want to. i stop myself.
i planned to go to bed and hour and 20 mins ago. thats enough.
im pretty sure it killed you reading all that anyway :)
thanks.
and sorry.
