i dont think you realize...

you mean the world to me.
youre everything i wish i was.
i wish you were by my side right now.
i wish i could say just the right thing to let you know how much you mean to me. the right think to let you know how much talent you hold.
i am nothing when next to you.
youre the only person on this planet who knows the exact way to make me smile.
everytime, without fail.
youre the only person on this planet that i want to see on "those days"
when you shouldd feel like being alone.
youre words have me mesmorized
"she makes you want to end your beat
yell an echo through the street
so cold you ache on impact
she writes like headaches
go to sleep kid, no ones listening"
...i couldnt live without you.

how do you keep up with all your blogs, websites, fans and your life?

i wish i had someone like you.

you misinterpreted every single word i typed

"stop making out like your the only one whos going through this"

i know im not.
thats why i posted the fucking journal
to tell myself that im not.

will my words ever come out right

i get the hint.

if you didnt want to answer, you should have said so.
or just lied about it.
thats nothing new for you.

right now i wish there were people besides me who looked at this.

anyone else feel insignificant right now

i really need a shoulder to cry on.
goshest.
dont you wish you could enclose yourself in a box for a while
just to see if it makes you appreciate how small and dark a box is.
well i do.
if only the person who knew how boring i am was in my life.
now im just trying too hard.

oh how i missed the music to my ears. it reminds me of pain-killers and depressants.

i never feel tired until i wake up.
lack of sleep is so inviting.
im litrally addicted to the internet, and im not just being cute.
i cant tear myself away from it.
my proof?
i'm online from somewhere around 10am until 5am the next morning.
and its no longer by choice.
right now, i want to be outside, lying on the trampoline in the cold wind listening to some exclamation point Panic, some melbournian bands like kisschasey and the getawayplan or the tunes of the Cobra's.
i feel empty.
and you cant help me for 2 reasons - youre gone, and youre the reason i feel empty.
jeeze, i sound like an over dramatic attention seeker.
apologies.
then again, im talking to myself.

we bring ourselves down
and build ourselves up with disappointment
how fragile we are
so fragile we are we just dont show it
we'll shake up this town
and shoot down the stars for our enjoyment
so sexy we are
so sexy we are we just dont know it

i'll miss you.

oh god.
i feel replaced.
i feel terrible.
as soon as i realised where i was,
i got butterflied all through my body.
chills.
but not of a good sort.
butterflies that are tearing me open.
chills that make me feel like crying
or yelling at the top of my lungs.
so you keep me so high out of pity?
and despite everything we've been through
and despite the fact i know you love me
i cant help but feel rejected.
oh god.
why am i so unlikable?
why am i such a boring person?
why do i have absolutely no personality?
i know you say those reassuring words because you have to.
not because you want to.
i dont want you to deny it anymore.
just fucking tell me theres someone better.
because the backstabbing is tearing me apart.

x♥x

i want to be great and remembered

ughh, that world is everything i wish i was
i try to fit in. but im just so... odd
i mean, well, that world is for everyone.
but, i want to be able to string the words together like you.
like them.
and until i can find just the right way to put everything together
i will remain here, unknown.
i want to be like hat... i mean... im obsessed yeah, but im nothing like others.
dropping lyrics as they talk.
referencing to songs.
complete obsession in a non embarrassing way.
i cant describe how i feel about all this. no one has an idea about what's going on in my mind. all i know, is that i wish i was able to write.
i love to write. to type. to imagine. but my mind wasnt made to be doing anything like that. i dont know what i am meant to do in life. but i wish i could be like you. i wish i read every day, that i had a favourite poet and author, that i had an ability to write how i wish i could.
all that forms in my mind is envy.
jealousy.
Getting through today without doing anything rash or drastic or stupid took a ton of self restraint and effort on my part. I consider making it past this day a hard enough challenge for myself. Just keeping relatively sane is an accomplishment for today.
I'm in a funk and I can't get out right now. I hate when I get like this. I hate that I love this. I savor every emotion that comes with me being broken. It tell me I'm alive at least. It's twisted and wrong but I just have to wait until I'm over this. I don't make sense and my words come out backwards (I've got this lefty curse). I sink like a stone.
(She doesn't even notice when I cry. She tells me not to be grumpy when I get like this [she thinks I'm in miserable mood for some petty reason and scolds me for it, hah], to be happy I have a 4 day weekend. That isn't going to help me now.)
I want to get under peoples skin and work my way into their mind. I want to be great and remembered.
I've been having dreams and they blend with reality. I can't tell the difference anymore between fact and fiction except in real life you're no where near me. Honestly, I get so confused when I remember things that never ever happened to me. I don't where they came from.
it was called "the world has its shine (but i would drop it on a dime)" and yes i do realise that that is a cobra starship song. i mean, i only have a complete obsession with that band. anyway.
it spok to me and i want to read every other part of it. it may not speak to you. it may sound like rubbish. but theres something about it.
tryingtofindthewords
i wish i could write like you.
and so begins the time when i will allow myself to post more than one in a day.
wish my luck as i try to grow.

x♥x

someone like paul would be perfect

ugh, i want a day home alone
just one day
yeah, it would be as unconstructive as it is with everyone around
but just one day.
after watching a movie today [ yeah thats right, i actually left the comfort of this chair ] i suddenly feel as if my life is a movie.
i dont know, its a weird feeling, hard to explain.
but i just feel as if something is going to happen soon that will un-boreify my life [ yeah i know thats not a word ]
i realise just how addicted to the internet i am
and i really miss the 3am mornings talking to you
but i know youre having a good time.
if theres a computer nearby, i stress and all i do is let my mind think about the internet, but if i cant go on the net, and im somewhere away from the computer, i dont think about it at all.
well maybe a little
but yeah.
i never was good at explaining.

x♥x

i know i should forget but i cant

sometimes i have the feeling that shes avoiding me
you know, i complain about my friends a lot
but maybe its me who is the shitty friend.
i think you dont matter
i act as if you dont care
but i need to realise that just because youre ot everything that i pictured a friend like... it doesnt mean that youre not a bad friend.
i want someone exactly like your best friend.
the one that drops everything for you
even if they have a boy/girlfriend
the one who lends a shoulder for you to lean on
who shares their roof because youre sick of home
you know?
but for some reason, i cant have someone like that.
or maybe i can but im just to stubborn to admit im not as bad off as i think i am.
just because i want to fit in to everywhere i cant.
i have somewhere i belong, but i wont accept it.
my mind is in one place, but it wants to be somewhere else.
and its impossible to move.
why cant i just accept that im fine?

x♥x

go and believe if it turns you on

i just felt like typing and i dont know why
and i dont know what about.
well, just then, one thing came to mind.
i know that sooner or later im going to have to tell him that im over him.
but its not that easy for me
well i guess its not exactly easy for anyone who was in this situation.
i just wish i could take it all back
do everything over again
pretend it never happened.
but everyone wants to turn back the clock at sme stage in their life
so it's kinda pointless rambling on abou what should have happened.
i miss her. she wasnt online all day.
pfft, yeah, one day, big deal right?
i dont like spening a single hour without her.
even though we go through those 30 minute pauses.
even if we talk about nothing
or bag da shit outa ppl hoo tawk lyk dis
i mean, its pretty bad that i cant stand one day without her
but i care about her
i worry about her
i wonder what shes doing.
on other news, two guys with the same name seem to be on my mind a lot.
more news on that as the story unfolds

x♥x

only 4 letters apply to this situation. starts with F - U

its been close eough to one whole month since i last posted.
i have come to the conclusion that i am lazy.
there is so much i could be doing, so much i SHOULD be doing
but i have to settle for everything less of what is best for me.
i read over my other blogs. my first one made me feel sick.
i mean, i honestly felt all horrible inside. that type of sick.
there was so much doubt. i said i would shift her to number 2.
i could never do that. never.
up until extremely recently, i didnt believe that she cared for me the amount i care for her.
and now its been proved that i am in fact, a total fuckwit.
one day, she will probably read this and be filled with doubt that i actually care for her.
truth is, no matter what i say or do, no matter what happens, no matter where i am, despite pointless fights and despite the fact i didnt think about what i said...
i love her
forever&always&ever. nothing will change. and i will NEVER forget her. my plan is to always stay in contact. but i dont know what time will bring.
this is considerably long for a post. but i need to say everything.
how about the fact i dont like him anymore?
oh great, ive done it again.
he will return from his holiday thinking he is about to have a girlfriend
and then ill say "how was your holiday? by the way, im over you"
things arent looking up for the future.
so i will sit here, confessing my thoughts to no one.

x♥x