my eyes are gluing shut.

i cant get you off my mind and its shitting me.

Im afraid of being cliche. Afraid of doing what others do all the time. Afraid of 'normal', but afraid of being an outcast. Afraid that what i say will just make me blend me into the crowd. If i had ignored irrational fears, maybe everything would be different. Maybe you would continue to be my friend rather than abandoning me for some chick that is so lovey-dovey it makes me want to vomit all over her 'gorgeous' face.

But we all know i overreact.

And you know, i adore this attention. Now i know what its like. And i just want it to be like that. Always.

caller 10 with the loudest cry

it hurts.
it really does.

it hurts more than you know.
in fact, you dont know at all.
if only id taken your advice
because then the situation would be me and you
rather than you and her.


for missing an act of fate.

youve come to find youre alone.

i didnt think id be this badly affected.
i mean, i saw this all coming.
hmm i guess ive just slipped into that cynical, depressive stage again.i wish someone would pull me out.
like, ill say i feel like shit. i tell people when im down. what do i get in return? "oh that sucks, im sorry" and a complete change of subject.
when youre the one saying you feel like shit
what do i do?
i listen to your every fucking word
even if you repeat the same shit
for two months straight.
all i ask for is a simple ear to listen for me if for only one night.

i should stop listening to your fucking complaints the way i do
i should stop caring. but i wont.

i should also stop being so fucking inconsiderate.

this feels a little odd.

in seventeen years, i have had practically no attention from guys.
in fact, i barely talk to guys at all.
within two weeks, i have three guys after me.

i was all ready to begin with typing out what is going through my mind
but honestly, i cant be bothered.
and besides, i cant think anyway.

ill just sort out the thoughts in my mind before i go to sleep
just as i always do.

we are another world away for the weekend.

things do change, all at once.
a lot of things have changed really. and thats both a good thing and a bad thing.

i dont know what im thinking right now. im not sure of anything right now. you know, its weird to be getting all this attention so suddenly.

theres a lot i want to say right now. i cant be bothered because it takes too long on my phone. remind me to tell you tomorrow.

i dont know. turning seventeen is like changing my whole world. its going to be completely different...

the reason im the one people avoid.

[16:23] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
i got demoted to numba 5... theres anotha chic thats 4 lmfao

[16:21] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
lol top friends dont really mean anything tho

[16:23] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
lins sent bak "oh well he dsnt knw wat hes missin out on" cos i sent her the same msg as u!

[16:24] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
i find it funny cos lins n me r like ah well hes found smone else n ur like it dsnt mean anythin its fucken hillarious lol

[16:24] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
hmm i have a different mindset

[16:25] xxKIRSTxx.....dnt drink n drive u mite hit a bump n spill ur drink:
lol everyone has dif mindsets lol

[16:26] tara,, the romance is over, baby.:
while you and lins may think, for example, your position on someones top friends means something, i think wth, what does top friend on myspace prove?


of course everyone thinks differently.
but sometimes i wonder: am i telling people my thoughts, or what i want them to hear?
im trying to fit in with these two, lins and kirstie. the thing is, they ahve ormed such a tight bond, i dont see why i keep trying to fit in with them. they look at things differently to me. they have a different sense of humour. they talk differently. they dont match the way i think.
sometimes opposites attract. but this isnt opposites, this is just...differences.
i dont know why i keep trying to find my way to them, try and be their best friend, when its so blatenly obvious that im second best to them.
stef on the other hand...she is my best friend. why wont i be her best friend too? when kirstie and lindsey gave me shit for having a crush on matty, when i have made it very clear that i dont, stef was the one whispering in my ear
"dont listen to thim. i know you, i know you cant take critisism like this. i get shit like this all the time, i ignore it, i deal with it. but i know you, so dont take it to heart. dont listen. you and i know how it is, just dont worry."
she backs me up on the smallest of matters.
but why am i never there for her?

ill be your one and only, slow it down.

always second best. always.
i dont treat those who consider me number one how they deserve to be treated. and one by one, they are disappearing. im too busy fooling myself to notice how many people think of me as their life. then they are gone and its too late.
no matter how hard i try, ill always be their backup.
why wont i accept whats right infront of me?
i dont know how or what to think. i want to keep typing, but...

oh how my mood has changed.

no, you cant leave me.

you cant leave me like that.
you cant just disappear
leaving me with those words
not knowing the message behind them
or what youre going to do.

"Goodbye. I love you Tara. I really do."

YOU CANT DO THAT.
YOU CANT LEAVE ME LIKE THAT.
PLEASE TELL ME YOURE ALRIGHT.
PLEASE

please, please, let me know youre doing alright, chelsea.

i miss you too much.

how did i know...

i still cannot figure out how this world works.
the more i think about it, the more confused i become.
being me dosnt work, and im not about to pretend to be what im not.

last weekend was the best. you have no idea. the castle on friday night. dancing, jumping, yelling, singing, talking, laughing. i wasnt myself after friday. i was out of my shell, i was confident, i was enjoying every minute of it. i had the coourage to at like an idiot and enjoy myself. i had the courage to talk to people i had never met.
afterwards, phil gave me the best hug i had ever had. i then waited outside the castle to be picked up. i saw jimmy inside so called him to come ou. he gave me a hug. the guy he was with was bagging us, and suddenly i had a burst of wit that put him back inside his box. then phil came and saw us. i smiled, 'not you again'. before i knew it, all of PPS were there. we talked for a good 40 mins. it was awesome. "ill make you feel like youre 18 again"...lol.
saturday was the demo. got to the house at 1:30. i met matty. we went to the demo, we gave out hats, i bought m&ms for $8, lins won the demo, we went back to her house. me, lins, kirst, matty and the rest had drinks. "matty, stop flirting with tara and give me my 10 cents" - "look over there! its marc!". kirst was off her face ofcourse. they were surprised at how quickly i downed drinks, but im a "smart drinker". we all went to bed at 5am. i woke up at 7. kirst hadnt slept at all. me and kirst went into the lounge. we were all up by 10. i was shivering and kirst and matty just laughed as they were in warm blankets. then matty gave me his sleeping bag to share. we stayed there til 2. then it was time to go home.

i loved every minute of that weekend, from friday night til sunday arvo.