two months.

it all is going to come crashing down tonight.

i dont understand any of it.

umm.

you know that friend of yours, the one that came over friday?
i reckon that when she hits twenty-one, shes going to be fucking hot.
like, shes cute now, but when shes 21...damn
-laughs- stay away from my friends
no shes too young now, but yeah shes going to be real hot


probably the best compliment ive ever recieved from someone i dont know.

i scared you off, didnt i?

im sure there is some part in here that you should read.
so stay with me through the pointless bits
i know this is long...but it would make me feel better if you read it.

you know that feeling you get when you realise exactly what everyone is thinking about you?
or maybe youve never had that feeling. yet.
its not so bad when you know who its coming from - someone who is nothing but a piece of dirt anyway.
but its different when it comes from someone you love. family for example.
or when youre told in simple conversation.
no offense, thats a little weird
its more the context, and by far that isnt the worst. its just something that plays on my mind. just like when i was having another of my friday night expeditions. the night i had lost my voice.
youre too honest, this is reality, people get scared by the truth.
although i know the truth behnd that statement, it makes me wonder how i can be too honest, but never share whats on my mind at the same time.
i really wish that that conversation had happened on a different night. but at the same time, i know it creeps people out. i scare myself really.

i know that what i have done or said in the past has scared people off.
i want to thank you for sticking by me for almost one whole year, for ignoring the fact that (despite how much i hate it when people say this) ...i am different.
i know so many people say this. but i mean this on a different level - something is wrong with me.
firstly, lets get this off my mind. looking back on how the last year panned out, i finally see what i have been doing. what i didnt see at first, i see now, and all that jazz. i was..clingy wasnt i? or something of that description. and then that incident at the start of the year. when i made the worst move i possibly could have. if i was in your position...i would have been a little freaked out. or maybe thats an understatement.
i understand now that i come/came on too strong.
theres no excuse. because sometimes, i think i still continue to come off as that sort of person.
i hope you understand what i am trying to say. i know that none of this can be fixed now. maybe because we're both stubborn. maybe because im too scared to say anything. could be a number of reasons. all i want to offer you is my apologies. i know it doesnt fix anything. but i want you to know that ive finally realised the type of shit ive been doing throughout my life.

this is turning out a lot longer than i anticipated. but its going to go for a lot longer.
you may or may not know that i have been living ith my aunt for the past 10 months, give or take. in that time, my addiction to the net seems to have grown. its almost like there isnt a moment when i am not online. i realise what my aunt thinks of this and i try to get off the computer. but i simply cannot find anything else to keep me occupied so return.
my aunt has been so kind to let us live here for so long. but she doesnt always say what is on her mind to the right person. and then lashes out.
sometimes you just let her run amok, its disgusting.
today when i was doing my homework, and my mum came downstairs, there was a little fight between the two on how to raise kids.
i would never let my kids stay on the computer from 9am til 2am, for three whole weeks. everyday.
but you have to think of it from a teenagers point of view. they despise you if you tell them to get off the computer for example just to be sitting and watching tv anyway.
yes but so long everyday, its horrible, how could you let them do that?

look, its hard to recount the conversation that went on today. but im not going to lie - it really did get to me. knowing that all people think when they hear the name tara is "shes on the computer". it effects me like you dont know. just a computer right? it goes futher than that.

today i was on the phone with my mothers boyfriend, john. he explained to me how he and mum had been talking about getting me a new phone (if you hadnt heard, i had an accident and my current phone doesnt work anymore). what he said made my eyes swell.
youve done so much for your mother and me
and same things of the like. i began to think about what i have done.
how could i have helped them? yeah i babysit bella. thats no drama. i lent my mum my phone? so what, big deal. what is so great about me, that i deserve so much recognition? i dont mean that in an "i hate myself" kind of way. i mean, my mum does everything for me. i dont want to explain the hardships shes going through at the moment that i shouldnt even know about (and she doesnt think i know about). i do things for her, small things. but at the same time im not the best either. and in "repayment" she lends me money for the shows i go to. if anything, i owe her not the otherway around. she needs the money more than i do. although yes, i want someone to get me a new phone, i moreso want my mum to keep the money for herself. i almost cried when i thought about that.
but im not crying anymore. ever since the "breakdown" i had, i havent cried. and i dot want to. i stop myself.

i planned to go to bed and hour and 20 mins ago. thats enough.

im pretty sure it killed you reading all that anyway :)
thanks.

and sorry.

excuse me while i go all typical and complain about shit.

i hate myself for this. i fall for people too easily. i latch onto the smallest of things. you know, you were the first guy i could talk to and who made me smile and laugh since aaron. you were the first guy who would actually take the time to say hello to me. you treated me as an actual friend. you complimented me. i discovered that you can write and string words together whit such emotion. and you know what, it was you who made me as happy as i have been for the past month or so. you kickstarted this optimism ive been having, it all started from that first conversation you had with me.
but i should have seen that downside that was hiding all along. waiting to send me back deep into thought, where i conjour up ideas that make me so unhappy and miserable. even though you were the one who started the conversaions, you eventually got to a stage where you would ignore everything i say. without a word, you would pretend as if you couldnt hear me. not one reply, not one ounce of acknowledgement. thios happened a number of times but i ignored it on behalf of overthinking. then you went and proved that you were ignoring me.
but thats not only what im angry about. what makes you an asshole is not that you did it to me. but that you have done it to others. you talk to someone as often as you can. whether they reply or not. you act as if you and that person are the best of friends. but as soon as someone more interesting comes along, it is as if we never exsisted.
im pretty sure im making this out to be A LOT less worse than what it actually is.
im sick of your shit. and im sick of you making it out as if nothing has happened, as if you dont know what you are doing or what you have done.
all i want tonight is someone sitting next to me.
i know i say that a lot. i know everyone says that a lot.
when i read what you have to say, all i can think about is how good it would actually be to have someone. this is starting to get to me again. i hate it, you shouldnt have to be worrying about this at my age. but its all that consumes my mind. seeing everyone around me, hearing it all from others. i want to know what its like. i want to experience it for myself. i want to know what its like , i want to find out for myself.
i hate this. i hate talking about me. i hate complaining. but i do it all the time.
even though i could have it so much worse off.

all it did was make our memories a blur to me.

so there it is
right there
proof that i wasnt just thinking too much
that i wasnt taking things out of proportion.



'someday' cant come soon enough.

youre an asshole.

you know that, right?

and i borrow phrases from dusty faded record sleeves.

im in a talkative moos at the moment.

okay so i feel really left behind right now
for more reasons then one
and its beginning to get to me again.
ive surprised myself with how optimistic ive been lately
but ive been told that suring this week, its all going to wear off
damn hey?

i know it gets tiring how no matter where you turn, there is always someone complaining about how bad their life is.
and then the next person is saying
"you could have it worse *enter worse story here*"
so its almost as if the world is now fighting over who is more depressed
which is really quite stupid.
so i guess i dont really have that much to complain about.
yet i still do it because its the easy thing to do.

the world is collapsing right in front of us yet people still live in denial.
all i can see is a bleek, gloomy future
which i am actually quite scared of.
no, im not just talking about global warming or whatever else.
its just, i cant understand the human race.
at all.
humans are deceptive, they even fooled time into letting this world last longer than it should have
because really, humans are stupid creatures who destroyed this world a long time ago
im surprised it took this long for the world to start crumbling
and im really not looking forward to seeing how the future will pan out.

to get this off my mind
id think id like to point out the simple fact
that i absolutely hate it when people just forget im here.
start a conversation with me then decide they have better things to do
and just leave me as if the conversation was never started
not even sharing a goodbye or even recognising the fact that they will be ignoring me for the next few days.
its really getting on my nerves.
yet i chose not to say anything because im that type of person
i act as if nothing happens, and youll probably never even know that youre doing this to me.
but of course, i will get over it.

i think im going to go to bed with a million thoughts swirling in my mind
first time in a while really
and i will never ever be able to shake off this very real feeling i get
that you can all read my mind.

i have a serious case of paranoia,
for i truely believe there is always someone
looking through my mind
for i even think
"stop reading my mind"

that is a secret i could never share with anyone
for obvious reasons, really.

we say we have our best friends yet we stab them in the back.

im sorry.
im sorry i am the way i am
i act the way i do.
im sorry for all ive done.



but obviously im not sorry enough to change.

i wonder, wonder about the secrets, the lies.

you know, when this all started
i thought you were different from the rest.
you actually talked to me,
you made me laugh and smile
the way you acted was just not the same as the others.
i thought you couldnt write things like that
and its different because unlike the others
you keep it a secret.
i have respect. admiration. i see you in a different light.


strange how i get the feeling you found this.

' fuckoff '

how convienient.