whoops, slight miscalcualtion.

i thought monday would be shitshitshit
and friday would be simply amazing.

should have been the other way around.

monday, was brilliant.
we talked for hours
just about anything
and i liked it
because it was the first time in a lonnnng time
that i had had a 4 hour convo with no silence.
i bounced all night
smilled all night
and was so happy tuesday.

now, today.
today was shithouse.
perhaps because i was too busy comparing it to 'friday' night
but overall it was a disappointment
yeah, his voice was amazing
but i was stuck like a loner the rest of the night
holding back tears.
fucking...just...fuck.

everything is fucking shithouse.

but i got sinking sea badges. score.

you made me smile all night.

thankyou.

i fall three times as hard if its from nothing at all.

everything doesnt seem to be working.
tomorrow will be the day
and you know what?
i already know its going to be shitshitshit.
ive had a pretty crappy few months
so when exactly is this "it will get better" shit
going to come true?
meh, waiting is nothing new to me.
ill keep pushing through
even if i am already on my knees
dragging myself along the road.
see, i love quitting
im just too quiet to give up on all this.
im too scared of what others will think of me.
and if i didnt care about what others thought of me
i swear to you i would already be dead.

everything is swirling in my mind.

ugh.
i dont know where to start.

sometimes being 16 is tiring.
sometimes waiting is tiring.
sometimes you get so tired of it all
you just want to make it all stop.

perhaps "someday" will never come.

14 days.

when my heart catches up with my mind
ill probably leave them behind too.

im pretty selfish.

im sorry.

i played the guilt card.
little did i know it worked both ways.

im sorry.
i love you so much.
you are not a failure.
i know you are doing everything you can
i know youre trying your hardest
everyone makes mistakes
but that doesnt mean you are a failure.
youre the best mum i could ask for
and i love you so much.
im so sorry.

youre such a good, kind kid
you dont deserve this...

i hit tears everytime i hear that.
why cant everyone else see that im a good, kind kid??

may 30th.

i dont like how the future is never here.
and maybe, just maybe, the 30th will be better
and i can leave swimming in the thoughts like friday
where i couldnt think over my heart
just living in your smile...

i hate this
because
i miss you

its okay, i dont love you.
but sometimes its nice to know there
are still people you can call sweet.

to the few people who read this.

im not doing fine.
i am not okay.
and if i tell you otherwise
i am lying.
this is the worst ive felt.
and im beginning to wonder how much longer i can last.

why??

i just deleted the previous post titled "why??"

cos i realised youre just like the rest of them anyway.


"hello there, goodbye now"
well i guess that kinda fits with what you said.
coinsidence, or did you plan that?

youre just the chase, and im the chaser.

i dont know how much longer i can handle this.
everything is getting to me.
no matter how small or insignificant.
and do you know what else?
i cant tell anyone.
not because i have no one to tell
but because i get embarrassed about these things.
everything is only going to get worse
and im sick of people telling me otherwise.
"it gets better"
well there are people who are in their mid-30s still being told that
so what happens when it doesnt get better?
please, i need someone who wont have a problem
with sitting next to me
and listening to every thought on my mind...
why is it those people are either hard to come by
or by the time you find them
they have someone else to care for
and barely glance your way at all?
im sick of wondering.
im sick of waiting.
im sick of thinking.
im sick of all of this.
and i dont think i can handle no one knowing all this.
im sick of holding it all in.
stop tellingme your problems
yes, i do care
but i think id like someone to help ME for a change.
i cant put everyone first
when im stuck in times like this.

i know one day we will...

waiting is the worst.
time goes so fast when you look back
but its the looking forward that gets to me.

if only...

isnt he just the sweetest?

no.

im sick of all of this
every single part of it.
its all the same thing over and over again.
ive been told so many times over that it could be worse
but to be honest, that doesnt help me in the slightest.
so, im taking what i have for granted
that doesnt mean you need to keep rubbing that fact in my face everytime i feel like shit.
you know, over and over im being put through this.
something is done or said
and suddenly i latch onto you and never let go.
never.
brock.james.michael.christian.jacob.matty.geoff.shaun.
you might think you know what that means.
but you dont have the slightest idea.

so cliche, your eyes may not have been to dye for, but i wish i could hold onto that smile forever.
why did i have to look away?
why do i have to keep searching everything up?
im only making myself 9357209487502 times worse.
every time.
waiting is fucked.
obviously there is a reason i fail every time.

right now i need someone to talk to
and i have not a single person.
there used to always be someone.
but now theres not.
o one is here when i need them most.
in fact. most of the time no one is here to ever know what goes through my mind.

well my mind is a fucked up place
and its fucking messed up at the moment.

would you all stop fucking using me.

you know what?
im over asking if everyone is okay.
i try to be nice. i am nice.
every time.
and every time
i get problems dumped on me
before the person just disappears as if i was never there to begin with.

fuck you all.
im not asking anymore questions and
im not listening anymore.
being nice hasnt gotten me anywhere
so what the hell is the point of trying?

i give up.
being a cold heartless bitch starts now.

"youve got such a wonderful kind heart
youre going to get everything in the world"
but i dont want to wait anymore.

youre just another name, another song i oversang

the first time ive felt the urge to cry
without forcing it.
and its so weird because i know youre not great
but theres just something different there.
i just want this overthinking to stop.
just..why?

i wish i could capture that moment, and keep it forever.

please let me do it all over again.

im sick of my wishes always outweighing reality.
some day, ill find the balance between them both.
in the meantime, ill stay stuck in this false hope.