because this road is all youll ever have...

i have been feeling considerably shitty recently. and so close to christmas, damn.
really, im confused about me. i hate who i am. everyone feels like this sometimes im guessing. but knowing that doesnt make anything better at all.
im happy that im actually listening to music. im contemplating from changing from "dont you know who i think i am" to "when it rains" - i feel a sudden obsession for that song.
last night, a certain someone im crushing on kinda frustrated me. he said he wants to talk about me for a change. then we were, "im guessing you wont elaborate, so lets change the subject" "actually i will elaborate but if you want to change the subject"
that happened i think twice. maybe thrice. the point is, changing the subject in circumstances like that doesnt make me feel as if you care, if you get what i mean?
probably not.
well, i am overdramatic.
what else. today was alright, cookies and rocky road to say the least.
i feel fat.
what else. i somehow feel used or something. i know people dont care what i have to say sometimes. i have beem reading fanfics all day. sometimes i wish i had that friend to lean on. they one who cares, who doesnt talk about themself when they know im upset or need to talk. you know what i mean?
i want a best friend.
someone to hug when im crying and feel like crap.
someone whos always there for me.
someone who tells me their honest opinion.
but of course, that person only exists in stories.

x♥x

only a bolt away

i need confrontation
i need to quit being so afraid af conflict.
for one, i know she will backdown.
she only has control over me because im shy.
and she knows that as soon as that goes
so will she.
today i worked. it wasnt exactly joyious.
i think im addicted to the internet a little too much.
but tonight i got my ass off this chair and played with the kids.
im hanging for 11pm. but im wondering if i will last that long.
sometimes i wish i didnt get tired.
other times i wish i could sleep until thursday.

x♥x

everything is in sync

today was a miserable day, although rain is bareable.
i actually like rain.
but the greyness of the day didnt help my horrible mood.
last night i calmly discussed my personality.
so calmly, in fact, that i began to cry
uncontrollably
heavily.
sometimes, everyone gets sick of who they are.
everyone hopes to change.
and last night i felt truely horrible.
im too stupid to discover the traits that make me loveable.
in the meantime i'm content with scaring him off.

x♥x

lost in thought again

it's 1.11pm, i've been awake since 10am. still in my PJs. that's the only way to live.
the laptop has died. it turns on then shuts down for some reason. no one can figure it out. some hard drive problem.
my youngest cousin had her first day of school. she is so small...
thoughts on my mind:
"at least im not deleting written words... written thoughts" - thats what she said. my closest friend. but shes considering deleting everything she has ever written.
but is she my closest friend? sometimes i think shes just playing with my mind. if i didnt have a conscience, maybe i'd shift her to number 2...
...well...

im not keeping myself very anonomous here. if shes reading this, she'll know it's me. and i can't shake the feeling i will be discovered.
im so paranoid...

x♥x