her nightmares and dreams dont come when she sleeps.

here i go again.
obsessed.
i want to change every single part of me.
i dont want this to happen anymore.
but theres still some of me
that just wants to drop everything to continue this.

ive lost all focus.
no more consentration.
i dont see any point in anything.
all i want to do
is nothing.
i want to obsess over my obsessions
and not have to be bothered about it.

but i will be.
i always will be.

three days ive spent in that prison.
that joyful, addicting prison.
i cant help myself.
take it away
tear it apart
please, i dont want to ignore anything for the pointless arguements,
the hope that i'll know you,
or the stab in the heart representing my disappointment and depression in realising theres always someone who has to do things a little better
and shove me further into the dark corner ive spent most of my life in.

i cant sleep.
or maybe i can if i actually could ear my fingers away.
theyre wandering over this keyboard as if they cannot be controlled.
in a similar way you cant tear yourself away from that cocaine youve been on since last year.
im giving myself insomnia.
and regretting every moment.

i litrally cannot stop myself.
i keep editing this post to stop myself lying in this bed.

im sorry for not talking to you all.
im too busy being a fuckwit.
stop me before i throw you away.
im doing it unintentionally
i dont want to
and i cant help it.

whats happening to me?

"what isnt it"

best four hours of my life.

let the overthinking begin.

im sick of overthinking.

i wish it was friday.

that is all.

this is why i freak out, because within seconds the moment is gone.

so just move your feet fast, don’t tie for the win
cross your fingers behind your back, hold it in
cause she changes her mind like she changes her heart,
youre a thousand years older before you have won,
this dance, this dance.

your heart, it beats, i see it through your words.

im overthinking what i can say.
its something that has been said
and never will pass these lips.
i sit here wishing for it to come.
its something far from what is.
sink back into reality.

this is when i begin to think too hard
it all comes crashing down.
if only to lay my head and rest near you
sweet dreams love, not a sound

rant.

i know a girl
who makes it her goal in life to brag to me
about how she happens to personally know one of my fave bands.
she'll talk to me jsut to tell me
"aww he came up to me and told me he doesnt see me
as a fangirl, he sees me as a friend"
okay, fine, whatever.
ill get over the fact you just want to make me jealous
and brag about it to the whole world.
but then when someone says
"aww youre so lucky. im jealous"
she goes off her head
"im not fucking lucky and you have no fucking reason to be jealous"
starts yelling at people
like, over the top. really over the top.
jeeze calm down woman. dont stress, we meant it as a compliment not in a "i wana kill you" sorta way.
THEN she goes and starts talking to a band i like
idk, she probably saw i was constintly talking to them and wanted in on the action
but i dont know that bit for a fact.
anyway. shes all like
"i ♥ YOU" - "im your apprentace" shit like that
over and over and over. they dont reply to her? shell keep on going on and on and on.
thats not the part that shits me though.

the thing is, im practically normal around these guys. i dont go screaming in their faces all teenie like. i have conversations with them that arent on a basis of "your so fucking hot" - "aww can we meet up, im gorgous and we can dance on the beach together" [ yes, i have evidence people say that. ]
wait for it:
i act like theyre human
woah, bet you didnt see that coming.
but then people like this girl come along
and straight away those guys in the band are all over her.
i dont get it. everyone complains about fangirls and teenies.
yet they are the ones that they all love.

well forgive me for acting like myself.

i shouldnt be worried about this sort of thing.
but if you had to face this girl, constintly trying to brag and shit like that
you would be fucking pissed off as well.

youre sweet honey, but i dont do sugar

i needed to tell the whole world
that you made my day.
really.
the one thing though
is in the process of overthinking,
imagining
and spreading that around...
...nothing will become of it.

anyway,
www.myspace.com/forourhero
i dont give a damn if you dont like their stuff.
theyre just really awesome guys.

if i could be bothered
id spend the next hour talking to/about you.
x

im so over this.

didnt take as long to figure it out this time.
barely got into the nitty-gritty
or however that goes.
ill get there one day.
but one day isnt what im after at the moment.
look how fast you moved on.
you didnt even bother to look back in my direction.

why do i even try to think it goes any other way.

and i havent even gotten into the detail.

its not a matter of if i get replaced but a matter of when...
i tried my best to fix the seams but the stitches just wouldn't hold.
my mind is in love with the past and scared of the future
and i guess that brings us back to the present...
a crash landing back to reality
tho i wish everything we have said happens
i have this funny feeling you just don't want it to...
my mind got stuck on you and everything else slipped away.

you know it all.
sometimes i wonder what the point of waiting is
when you know youre taking steps backwards.
its all pointless in the end.

he makes my heart melt.

he makes me want to cry.
he deserves so much more.
but he thinks he deserved to be thrown away like that.
its strange how things turn out this way.

and ill keep backing you up
dreaming and wishing
itll never actually get there
but i hope things work out for the better.

"couldnt have happened to a nicer guy"

this is why i wish i had a friend like you
to stand here beside me.
you just need a shoulder to cry on.

me knowing you.
the complete lack of reversal.

wow.

i never knew exactly how much looks can be decieving.

i think ive stumbled upon some of the sweetest guys in melbourne.

we all wish for one thing.

"i love you. i really do. xD lol."
why do i keep doing this to myself?
the guy is so deep and he is the sweetest thing ever.
if a guy can write like that, i dont give a fuck what he looks like
there i go again.
its not a copy and paste, but its what i wish was said.
its going to happen all over again.
youre my new jump
now im falling again
[ damn that was good ]
ill try not to scrape my knees on the way down
but you all know i do it delibratly
it starts like this.
and now you can be my excuse for obsession.
itll go beyond what it should
then ill come out looking a mess again.

you can do all the talking

i keep on falling
yet i havent moved from this spot
my feet have become the ground
my voice has since disappeared
my eyes are all that can be seen

ill keep on reading
if you consider it progress, all ive done
is create this hole in my heart.
thats youre only hint.

until the day comes when im granted one wish
ill keep wishing my wishes came true.

did i ever mean to be so obvious?

wow. surprisingly i felt like absolute shit after that.
and i discovered that i am a lot less shallow than people thought
like, when someone asks you "personality or looks"
everyone automatically says personality, even though majority of the time youre not going to walk up to some butt ugly person because apparently they are "nice".
what im saying is everyone has limits.
hmm. i cant figure out how to say the rest without sounding like a complete idiot, so ill leave it at that.
oooh i just realised how much i miss secrecy.
ideas for a new name would be handy.
and i dont think you realise how much i hate this particular person right now. not that shes a bad person, but being as shy as i am, people who are overly confident piss me off so much
only coz im jealous.
yeah im a pretty jealous person.

getting my two dance partners next month. fuck im scared.
im the girl they throw things at.
and im the girl who has to have two guys to dance with.
yeah. im lucky.
i reckon the yr 11 ball is going to suck majorly.

just a note

bah, damn americans -.-

umm, i know that everyone is well aware of a small crush i have
its one of those things that you cant help
and go away eventually
you know, not major.
like a celeb crush without the celeb bit
so therefore, every time i say "him" does not mean i am refering to this crush.

my point being yes, i have a crush on this guy
but
there is someone at school
and when i refer to "he"
im most likely talking about him.

basically: shaun j is a thing to forget, nothing major, nothing to bring up.

that hurt so bad.

fuck i hate you so much right now.
you proved everything ive ever thought.
im sorry i ever fucking tried to make conversation with you.


do you know what i would give for just a little more confidence.

well this was pointless.

why does this hurt so much.

its funny coz i read over these
and it takes me a good 5-10 mins
for me to figure out who the hell im talking about.
like, i type "he" and i could be refering to about...10 people
i say "she" amd its more like...20+ people.
confuddlement.

maybe i should be more clear with my posts?
nah.

i dont know why im typing this. i wanted to say why does this hurt so much but i thought that would be pointless so im just rambling now.
im tired and sick and want to sleep in but instead ill be at school.
wishing i could know what you said.
but you didnt say anything, did you?
thats why it hurts.

lets put an end to this.

i think youre too worried about it to notice i already have.

say it to my face.

new subject
well its been a while since we talked
because i thought i would try not to
irritate you as much as i think i do.
and i know the other girl will be making
conversation with you every chance she gets anyway.
im kinda jealous of her
but you made my day with that comment
even if you didnt read it all.
it annoys me how you havent been online now.
the only chance i have before schools back
but i think you must be at uni or something.
or maybe another festival.
whatever. all i know is that it would be
awesome to hear about your
"mid afternoon snacking activities"
again. bahaha.

wow. this post is..weird.
different to all the others.

maybe coz im glad to have you off my shoulders.